Melancoly tears

There are days when she can do nothing else but think of the little girl who is only a whisper now.  She feels like a damaged soul when her thoughts linger too long on the life that disappered inside her womb.  The empty pit really never goes away. But she tries hard not to dwell on a life lived what seems long ago;  She can not change what it is.

In the silence of her *own* home, she can feel the gentle whispers on her soul.  It makes the butterflies in her stomach flutter and she has to shake the feeling off as her toddler crawls up on her lap to nurse.  Life is better than it was and she can spend her days less unhappy, less worried. 

The boys grow and change with each passing day and there is joy in those moments.

Shelter life is hard.  There are a lot of nice things about it, however she must always make sure she swallows hard and keep's her mouth shut at the right times.  She doesn't complain, she doesnt' make waves.  She  wants the staff to like her;  She wants them on her side so when the time comes for a recommendation to housing, they will rave about her;  So even though staff may be hard to get along with, she does it anyway, for the good of her family.

She never invisioned herself in the projects.  But that is where she will be going.  With three kids in tow, they'll be placed in an apartment in the midst of the projects.  She thought it would be so easy back then.  Back at 19 when she became a wife and mother.  A house, a white picket fence, a dog in the front yard, kids running near her feet.  It all seemed to simple to her.  And now here she is, facing life in the projects.  And for her at this moment it is the only option.  When there is not enough money, when a shelter is home, she knows that the projects is a step up.

She is the client. Or at least that is what they call her, and others like her.  She never invisioned herself as one like that, and it is hard to think of herself as that.  Even though her day is more calm, less things to worry about, her day is hard.  Trying to act, think, be normal, when all day she knows where she sleeps at night.  She thinks it's hard to be there.  It takes all her patience and grace, especially when she has to interact with other people who don't always think like her, act like her, have the same priorities as her. 

She slept well the other night.  Even on the rock hard bed, her eyes closed when her head hit the pillow and she was able to dream, if only for a moment.  She has not dreamt in a long while and she knows this is a good sign of sleep actually finding her and giving her the rest she craves.

She thinks a lot about the future.  What will it hold for her and her family?  They have to make it out of where they are....they have to run far away from high priced society and living paycheck to paycheck barely making it.  They may run to her childhood home.  To where the corn grows tall, the sky is blue and the a good thunderstorm always finds it's way there every season.  It is a quiet place where her children can have more; If only they could get out of the grips of *this* life here.

She wants to just forget the world.  If only for a moment.  She never wants her first born to know.  But it is him that people can't stand, that people can't handle.  They don't understand his disability.  They think he is acting wrong and that he knows it is wrong.  He is a 3 year old in a 10 year old's body.  But only she and a select few see that.  Living in other people's homes just hasn't worked.  Their understanding of him is limited and they choose to know no more.

So tomorrow she takes her family to seek shelter.  Shelter in a state run building where ever there is a slot.  If it is 2 hour away from her firstborn's school, it does not matter.  They must go.  If they refuse placement, the only option is the very very cold car.  He had good days this week at school.  Getting settled again, he feels better, safer, calmer.  Now it will he will be displaced again and his world will into chaos once again.  He will not be very well with himself.

And they will go to shelter and she will swallow back the tears and be brave.  And she will fear that she will be on the street because no one can take more than a few days of her firstborn;  And she loves him with her entire being, but who he is makes her life so difficult.